You know an internet celebrity!

So it would appear that I'm an anonymous internet celebrity. I suppose that by announcing this I am possibly compromising my anonymity, but I remain confident that my overall lack of readership will result in only a few people actually reading this , thus keeping my secret identity safe from the masses of the interweb.

For those of you that have never been, PassiveAggressiveNotes.com is a wonderful website that collects and posts notes (both passive and overtly aggressive in nature) from its readership and various other sources on the internet. The collection consists of notes from a huge variety of sources, but the best (and the majority) tend to come from two primary sources: roommate situations, which are always a goldmine of passive-aggressive sentiment, and offices, where the inherent tension of the environment coupled with varying and often diametrically opposed personal habits creates a wellspring of potential conflicts. My note falls into the latter category.

For those of you that know me, you are undoubtedly aware that I have certain personality "quirks," one of which is a severe dislike of microwave displays that have extra cooking time displayed on them, even after the person using said microwave has completed their cooking. In most situations I've learned to simply cope with it, and I will either clear the display myself or, if I'm feeling particularly strong-willed, leave it alone and commend myself on my self-control. However, during my previous employment, the layout of my office required me to pass through the company kitchen/dining area at least 15 times per day, and each time I had to walk directly past the microwave which, nine times out of ten, had leftover cooking time displayed on it.

Now, as I said, I worked hard to just let it be. For the 2.5 years I worked there, I did my best to come to terms with the sheer laziness that was displayed by failing to push the 'clear' button after one removes his food from the microwave early. I tried to ignore the lack of respect one shows his coworkers by failing to leave the microwave in a state of readiness for the next person in line. I even struggled to turn a blind eye to the inherently wasteful nature of excessive use of microwave minutes. But, after a particularly cold spell this past February spiked the incidence of microwave lunches in the company kitchen, the number of leftover seconds began to climb rapidly, and I knew action had to be taken. So I posted the note below on the company microwave:

Some may argue that this is a false claim and that I don't really have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Perhaps...I suppose that I don't fully meet the diagnosis criteria as stated in the DSM-IV, but I do have a lot of weird habits and there's a lot of little shit that I tend to get hung up on, so for the purposes if this note, I'm going to say that counts. Anyway, after the note was left there for about a day, a friend and coworker suggested that I upload the image to PassiveAggressiveNotes.com. I thought that if there's anyone in the world that can sympathize with my plight, they'll surely be aware of PANotes, and maybe we can form some sort of support group. So I uploaded the image, not really expecting it to even make it onto the site. Truth be told, I didn't even check the site for about a week, and after the note disappeared from the microwave at work a few days later I all but forgot about the whole thing. Lo and behold, my dear friend FutileSniff texted me about 2 weeks later and asked me if I had submitted anything to PANotes. Apparently, my note had been posted and she, having known me since I was 13 and having chastised me on multiple occasions about my handwriting, had seen the note, recognized my chicken scratch, and immediately texted me to confirm. (As an aside, I think it speaks volumes on our friendship that she was able to recognize my handwriting in one picture out the millions of pages of crap on the internet...) Needless to say, I was surprised and thrilled. But the real treat came when a like minded individual who undoubtedly shares my pain posted another note, copying my text word for word, on her microwave. Image below:

This was back in February. While I was happy to learn that I was not alone in my suffering, more pressing matters took precedence and the note was soon gone from my mind. Until last week, that is. Apparently, there was another note of the same character submitted, and again this note copied my text, word for word. See below:

Text that accompanied this note: "We have one microwave for our entire floor, saw the note, thought we worked with crazy people... One of us said 'Hey! We should post that on passiveaggressivenotes.com!' and lo-and-behold, we found the SAME NOTE on your site."

I'm feeling better about my quirky personality already. It's good to know I'm not alone. Maybe this will become the next big internet meme? I'm already telling people that microwave notes are the new rickroll...

The original post is now listed as #1 in the "Most Popular" category on the site, and has received quite a few (largely disparaging, but a few positive) comments. You can see it here: http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2008/02/19/crazy-is-right/

Bike Hero

HOLY FREAKING CRAP. This is the awesomest thing I have seen in forever. The amount of organization, teamwork, and coordination required to pull this off is astounding. My hat is off to you.

This is potentially huge...

Scientists in Germany may have cured AIDS with a bone marrow transplant. The patient, who was infected for more than a decade, underwent a bone marrow replacement procedure (typically used for leukemia patients), and in the 20 months since tested negative for any sign of HIV or AIDS.

Full Story Here

Misogyny is Hilarious

For those of you that have never visited, The Fail Blog is a winning website. It serves as a record of human aptitude at its worst, and although some of the images and videos hosted there are of questionable legitimacy, there are plenty that are just plain hilarious. The image below is what inspired this post, and while I acknowledge that it's probably not objectively very funny, it had me in stitches with its unintentional humor.

Here's a few more winners:

And here's a few videos that are impossible to watch without laughing. Skip to 0:22 and listen for the "nooooo!" in the second one...

Sucks to have your wedding ruined, but
the concerned guy freaking out is priceless.

Questionable Priorities...

After 20 years of research, man has finally attained yet another victory over that increasingly weak and impotent foe, Nature. Witness, the Blue Rose!

Up yours nature.

And to think, all these years we've somehow managed to get by with only standard color roses. Thank God for science. Wait....that doesn't sound right...

Anyway, as you sit and marvel at this wonder of modern technology, you may be wondering what miracle brought this slice of fried gold into existence. I'll give you a hint: money. A shitload of it. Three billion Yen, to be precise, over the course of twenty years. Now, I'm not up on my exchange rates from 1996, but by today's standards that's right around 30.5 million US dollars. Even factoring in our currently shitty economy, we're still talking a total expenditure of 26 million, easy. Take a minute to think about that. Twenty years of dedicated research and twenty six million dollars. To obtain the same results that you get from a vase, water, and some blue food coloring. I'm betting cancer patients are nonplussed.

Full Story

Bad Start...

Ok, so I had a hell of a day yesterday, and I missed a post. Not a great start, I know. But I'm back in form this morning, and making a double post to make up for yesterday's failure.

I just got back from voting, which was surprisingly benign. Those old New York women have their shit on lockdown, even at 7am. My polling station turned out to only be about two blocks away, which was super convenient, as it's a bit chilly in the mornings and my voting outfit is kinda sparse. See, this was the first election I've been able to vote in where I've actually gotten to use a voting booth. In 2004, I was still in college, so I had to use an absentee ballot, and those are no fun at all. But knowing how awesome today was going to be, I wanted to commemorate the event somehow, and I figured that buying a hot new outfit would be the best way to do that. Unfortunately, it didn't come in time, so I had to make this mockup to show you how it WOULD have looked:

I've really been working on my obliques.

Since it didn't show up, I ended up just wearing hot pants and a belly shirt. And if you're on my blog I hardly have to tell you what that looks like.

Anyway, links!

Bamboo Bikes are getting huge. Bamboo is light, strong (some bamboo has a greater tensile strength than steel!), has excellent vibration dampening properties, and is infinitely renewable, making it an excellent material for use in bicycle construction. Here's an article on Wired that discusses bamboo bikes, and even has a few pictures of a totally sweet/unaffordable $2,700 model. Baller.

Musical Tesla coils have been around for a while, but they're still fun to watch. Especially when they're playing iconic 80s MIDI tunes. Using frequency and amplitude modulation (the same techniques used to broadcast music to your car radio, for you non-science types), it's possible to actually change the pitch of the electrical discharge, and when it's changed fast enough in a recognizable pattern, it becomes music.

Link a Day!

Ok, so I realize that I'm a terrible blogger. I console myself with 2 justifications: 1) the fact that I'm a law student, which takes up a lot of time, and 2) that this blog has a readership of about 3 friends, who are probably not even that interested to begin with. Still, every time I come across a great link and bookmark it as "postworthy" and then fail to post it, I die a little inside. Not as much as when I endure my weekly Drano colonic, mind you, but it still hurts.

So, in an effort to appear like less of a worthless drain on teh intertubes, I'm going to try for 1 post per day. I know, I know, you're thinking "But asshole, you can barely manage 1 post per month! How in the name of Prince Adam of Eternia do you expect to put up 1 post per day? Especially now that you have to start outlining for finals! I call shenanigans!"

Well, firstly, go to hell. I don't blog quasi-anonymously on the internet so I can sit here and be insulted. Secondly, sweet 80's cartoon name drop, homes. Thirdly, simple; I'm taking the easy way out and mostly just posting links. So, in a way you're right, Mr. Anonymous Internet Person I Just Made Up. When it comes to substantive posts, I probably still won't be cranking out more than one or two per month. But I've been ammassing a hoard of links during the last few months, as well as a few interesting post ideas, so I should have enough to keep me going for a while. Let's hope I don't bitch out on this like I did with the espresso dealie. (In case you (Sniffy McTallperson) are still interested, I think I'm up around 290 at the moment. I've been supplementing my caffiene intake with these, so I've been needing less of the black stuff lately...)

So, to kick things off, here's a few winners to get the ball rolling:

Grooveshark
This is a music networking site which has been described as the offspring between Last.fm and Pandora (both of which are great, but have their setbacks). What makes Grooveshark so great is that it allows you to search for and play as much music as you want, as many times as you want. There's no restriction on skipping songs or being forced to listen to 'recommended' music if you don't want to (though you can if you so choose); you may listen to an artists entire discography (or as much as is actually hosted), as many times as you want for free. Plus, it even let's you embed music elsewhere on the 'net, if you wish. Witness:



Pictures Taken At Just The Right Time
There's a lot of these lists out there, but the people that put this one together obviously spent a considerable amount of time getting the composition of each shot just right, and it shows.

The Federal Budget
This is an interactive, graphical representation of each dollar that will be spent by the Federal Government in the 2009 fiscal year. It's very well done, but when you see how the budget actually breaks down, you'll probably wish it wasn't. For example, during the 365 days that this graph represents, we'll be spending $2.259 billion on the V-22 Osprey, a tilt-rotor aircraft with an already long, expensive history. Sure, in the grand scheme of things this may not seem like much (the total 2009 budget is $1.182 trillion, after all), but when you consider that we're only spending $1.2 billion on developing renewable energy technologies during that same time period (a 27% decrease from the 2008 budget), the gross inequity becomes clear. But at least that's a better military-nonmilitary spending ratio than the overall budget, which is $799 billion to $383 billion. Yep, that's right...America spends more than twice as much preparing to kill people as it spends on EVERY SINGLE OTHER THING IN THE ENTIRE COUNTRY. Just something to think about.

Enjoy!

What is a "Maverick?"

Hey there, internet. I know it's been a while, but I needed to get this off my chest while I had a spare second. I should have more nonsense for you soon...

Anyway, there's been a lot of talk lately about the word "maverick" and it's application to politics, and I thought it might be interesting to take a look at what the word really means. Now, if I were still in 6th grade, I might begin with something like "Webster's dictionary defines the word 'maverick' as 'an independent individual who does not go along with a group or party'." I'm not in 6th grade however, so I won't be doing that. But I'm still going to use the definition.

I'm sure that you've heard all the talk lately about how McCain and Palin are the maverick squad in this year's election, and if you haven't than you've probably not turned a TV on for months. Suffice to say, M&P seem to regard themselves as mavericks, which is ok. But I'm pretty sure that being a maverick involves more than having slightly differing opinions than the rest of one's political party on a few minor issues. Being a maverick would likely not involve conceding to the standard operating procedure of one's political party to further one's own political agenda. You're supposed to pride yourself on independence, remember? But most importantly, I'm 99% sure that to be a true maverick, you can't walk around bragging about how much of a maverick you are. Completely ignoring the potential consequence of losing all your maverick street cred (you don't see Bizzy Bone of Bone Thugs 'n Harmony strutting around talking about how much of a thug he is, do you? Of course not. That's why America still thinks he's totally tough.), as soon as you make the rounds of the nation, insisting what a maverick you are, you lose that air of mystery that made you a maverick in the first place. It's that independence and unpredictability that MADE you a maverick, and by bragging about it all the time, you've just turned people on to the fact that you can't be trusted in the clutch. To be a real maverick, you have to maintain that Robin Williams-esque spontaneity that keeps people guessing and being charmed by your swagger, not pound them into mental submission by telling them how "wild and unpredictable" you are. It's akin to telling people to "expect the unexpected" or trying to market a "new" sports drink (which is exactly the same as a previously marketed sports drink) by throwing an X-treme! on the label. For shame.

Sorry McCain and Palin, but you are not real mavericks. You want real mavericks?

Boom.

(Note: This is not to say that I endorse these mavericks for president, either. Somehow I don't think the "I hate Jews" and "I believe in evil pre-historic space monsters" platform would be good for the nation... Not to mention that Roger Moore is British and last time I checked, muscle cars can't hold office.)

Thoughts, Links, and An Espresso Revelation

I've been going back and forth on whether I actually want to keep up the the election process or not, and unfortunately, I'm still undecided. I don't want to go into my reasons too deeply because I'll only get frustrated and start typing nonsense, but I just can't get over how ridiculous the entire McCain/Palin situation is. I've been watching some of the videos of Palin's RNC speech and her recent interview, and I'm absolutely flabbergasted at her refusal to directly address issues. I don't know whether she thinks she's being clever and skirting the issue or whether she truly thinks she's answering the questions that are posed to her, but either way it's totally unacceptable. When it comes to electability, even if one were to completely ignore her lack of experience and her ultra-conservative politics, she is still the inferior candidate based on her apparent (actual?) lack of political/democratic ability. I would have thought that the last 8 years of presidency would have convinced the American people that ignorance in the White House doesn't actually work, and that our president should be someone who is educated, intellectual, and uses proper diction when speaking. Sure, I know a lot of Americans want their president to be a good ol' boy who they'd feel comfortable throwing back a Bud Light or two with, but when that trait comes at the expense of an ability to adequately and responsibly govern the nation, it's clear that an uneven trade has been made.


Here's Palin being asked point blank about what the Bush Doctrine is and whether she agrees with it, and her completely avoiding the question (presumably because she has no idea what it actually is)


Here's McCain completely contradicting himself on just about every major talking point he has discussed so far in his campaign:


This one, though, is my favorite: McCain getting Barack-Roll'd



Also, I recently visited both a Starbucks and another local coffee shop, and in both cases a single espresso cost $1.50! Apparently, my previous math was a little outdated. This means that if I were to apply the same formula as before, I would have actually spent $322.50 as of the beginning of this little experiment, well over the initial cost of the $230 machine. So the machine has paid for itself in a little less than 7 months, and I will have likely broken even on the remaining supplies and coffee I've purchased thus far by the end of the year. In summation, if you like espresso/cappuccino/lattes/etc. you should definitely invest in a quality machine. Even if you don't drink as much as I do, it will still pay for itself before you know it. I recommend the Saeco Aroma and the Capresso Infinity grinder.

Finally, here are a few fun things to check out. Enjoy!

You probably know that Japan is both more technologically advanced and more ecologically sound than America, but rarely is it demonstrated as simply and elegantly as it is here:
Japanese Bicycle Parking Garage

Liveplasma is a music recommendation site with a great interface. You can't preview music like you can with Pandora, but it provides a neat web-like representation of the band that you search for and its relationship to other similar bands.
Liveplasma.com

You may have seen this being passed around the net a few years ago, but it definitely deserves a second viewing:


Lastly, I'm all about passive-aggressive sarcasm in my daily life, and I see no reason why political commentary should be any different. Forget all the mudslinging and name calling; if you really want to win the votes, I say focus on the dry wit and cunning delivery.

Almost forgot...

Current shot tally: 248

The extent of your liability...

It's something most people probably don't consider very often, but people are WAY more legally liable than they think they are. At least, that's the impression I've gotten so far from my Torts course. I hesitate to speak with any authority, as I'm only 2 weeks into the class and we're only now getting into any current casework, but from what I've read so far it seems that one is liable for the unforseen consequences of his actions to an almost ridiculous degree. We haven't gotten into negligence yet, though, and that's where the real good stuff is, so I'm sure I'll have more to report then. But in the meantime, here's something to think about: Say I'm building something in my driveway, and I drop a nail. Later (that day, tomorrow, next week even) the neighbor's kid steps on this nail, contracts tetanus, gets an infection that spreads to his brain, and suffers permanent brain damage. My fault. Or if he dies, wrongful death suit, also my fault. Yikes.

Obviously the above scenario depends a lot on circumstances, and probably wouldn't be so cut and dry. However, as I'm rapidly learning, our legal system seems to have a pretty flexible view of what exactly 'justice' is.

In other news, I fear for the future of this country. I never had the intention of venting about political issues on this blog, but it's not like anyone actually reads it anyway, so I doubt it matters. Ok, specifically, I fear for the future of the nation if McCain is elected. Not so much as a result of him (although I disagree with him on 90% of his beliefs), but rather, because of his choice of running mate. Now granted, it's obviously just a political move; he knows that he wouldn't have a chance in hell of winning if he had chosen an old rich white man (GOP bread and butter), and he knows that his first choice of running mate (Joe Lieberman) would be viewed as unacceptable by most right wingers. But seriously, Palin? She's been in politics for what, 8 years? Unless, of course, you're counting 'town council' of Bumblefuck, Alaska, in which case it's like 10. She's on record saying she has no idea what exactly the VP does. She lacks the international experience to work at a certain house of pancakes, let alone the White House. And she's against abortion IN CASES OF RAPE AND INCEST, which pretty makes her an idiot. Say what you will about human life, you are, of course, entitled to your opinion. But to want to ban abortions, even when the woman has been raped? That is seriously just fucking evil. I would love to resurrect Hitler, Pol Pot, and Torquemada (the Grand Inquisitor) and let them have a go at Palin. Hell, throw in Vlad the Impaler (lol!!1!) for good measure. See if she's still against an abortion then.

Ok, wow. Maybe that was a bit much. But I really think this election is the last chance the world is going to give us to get our shit together, and I'm really hoping we don't disappoint them...

On a lighter note, here's some things to look at!

The Story of Stuff: Something EVERY consumer should watch

Amazing Aerial Photography...Definitely check out London at night.

Safe and Satisfying Anger Management

This is one of my old standbys...Great for grammar freaks like me

Links, while I've got a minute.

I saw a Delorean in the wild today...it took every ounce of willpower to not sit next to it and wait for it's owner to return so I could shout "Great Scott!" at him. In retrospect, I'm glad I didn't. It probably would have been really anticlimactic.

Be sure to check this stuff out.

Star-Trek-esque replicator

Painting the Mona Lisa in 0.05 seconds with a paintball gun

The always hilarious Fail Blog

Current espresso tally: 224

OMG! Another post!

Apparently I'm not dead after all.

For those of you who are unaware (not that it matters, since noone actually reads this anyway), I recently (like yesterday) started law school. I've been counting the times that I've heard "This will be unlike anything else you've ever done" in the past week, and I think I'm somewhere around 38 right now. So apparently it will be different. From everything else I've ever done. So that's something.

Sadly, this transition has forced me to relocate to a new town, so there will no longer be any observational witticisms about my dear Baltimore. At least not on a regular basis. But who am I kidding, I never even wrote regularly while I lived there, so I guess it won't be much different! Still, I will miss Bawlmer, and I will take copious notes (Connie!) during each return visit so that my particular brand of observational humor may live on, in blog form.

So, in the interest of keeping things relevant to my present status, I will likely be writing about legal issues as they arise in my life. Now, don't get me wrong, this will not be your average, run-of-the-mill legal blog. There are plenty of those, and I am sure they are far better than mine. No, I have a different goal in mind, a level of brilliance that has only been attained by none other than Bob Loblaw himself. That's right, I'm referring to the incomparable Bob Loblaw Law Blog, which you can check out for yourself right here.

In addition to discussing various legal issues of importance to the youth of today, I will also be keeping a running tally of the number of espresso shots that I consume during law school, both for personal statistical purposes (I need something of note to put on my personal trading card) and also to illustrate the sheer foolishness of buying a goddamn cup of coffee EVERY DAMN DAY when you could not only save a HUGE amount of waste but also save yourself a ton of cash just by buying a quality coffee or espresso machine up front. Now, not to get off on a tangent here, but seriously, do you need to buy a cup of coffee every day? Does it not occur to you that that shit adds up? Sure, maybe it's only $2 if you're one of the people that just gets a regular coffee, but they are few and far between these days. More often than not you see the yupster douchebag with the overinflated sense of self worth dropping $4.50 on a double-skinny-half-caf-venti-caramel-soy-macchiato, and he's probably yapping away on his bluetooth while he's ordering it. Fuck.

So, in hopes of helping others avoid this pitfall, and also in hopes of having a tangible method of conveying my awesomeness to all (none) of you, I will be keeping a running tally of my espresso beverages consumed, with the hopes of justifying the purchase of my totally baller espresso machine. Here's the breakdown so far:

Initial purchase of machine: $230 (the amount that must be offset)

Average price for pound of coffee: $13 (no Folgers here)
Number of shots per pound (at 7 grams per shot): ~65

So, rounding up costs, even while using top shelf beans, I'm still coming in at ~$0.20 per shot. Compared to the price of a single shot at Starbucks ($0.50, which I'm using as a benchmark), I'm coming in at less than half. I'm also omitting the cost of water, since $0.02 for a gallon of tap water hardly seems worth the trouble.

Now, I haven't been keeping track of every shot I've had since I purchased my machine back in February, but it's a safe bet that I've consumed 200 shots since then (and I would venture to guess substantially more, as I really only drink doubles). For the sake of argument, I'll go with 200. Had I purchased each shot at Starbucks (or at just about any other coffee shop, as the standard price for an espresso shot seems to be about 50 cents, although 75 cents or even $1 is not uncommon), it would have cost me $100. But, given the breakdown above, I've only spent $40, thus making a total savings thus far of $60. This may not seem like much, but when the convenience of having killer espresso on demand without having to expend gasoline to get it is considered, the advantage of this method begins to manifest itself. And when the (hopeful) environmental impact of one less paper cup and one less plastic lid added to a landfill EVERY DAY is added to the equation, the advantage is clear. Responsibility has never been so delicious.

So, the total shots for law school thus far, beginning on 8/24/2008: 15

Total count: 215

Starbucks cost: $107.50
Actual cost: $43.00
Savings: $64.50

$230-64.50= Only $165.50 left to justify machine. I'm pretty sure I can knock that out before second semester.

In closing, I leave you with this, which I find to be a remarkably accurate summation of my first day of law school. Enjoy.

Welcome to Law School.

The Illusionist

No, not Edward Norton. Rather, a British artist by the name of Julian Beever. His primary medium is chalk, and he uses it to create trompe-l'œil drawings on sidewalks the world over. His work utilizes a principle known as anamorphosis, which tricks the eye into seeing a 2-d image as 3-d when it is viewed from a specific point. His creations are truly amazing, and I would love to be able to witness the process from start to finish, as laborious as it must be. A few of my favorites are below, but be sure to check out the gallery at the bottom for the rest.

"Taking the Plunge"

"Batman and Robin to the Rescue"

"Swimming Pool"

"Swimming Pool" (opposite side)

Viewed from the opposide direction, the irregularity of the drawing necessary to creat the proper perspective is apparent. Really gives you an idea of how difficult it must be to pull these drawings off convincingly, no?

See the rest of the gallery here.

Rewarding Stupidity

Not to be overly dramatic, but I think this is a pretty good summation of one of the major problems facing our great nation today. I'm talking about our need as a society to reward and applaud people that in yesteryear would have been either relegated to a circus sideshow, sent out on an ice floe to die, or some combination thereof. It is best exemplified in our national obsession with horrible reality / talk shows involving people so devoid of any semblance of intelligence or moral fiber that if they didn't physically resemble human beings (and even that point is contestable at times) they could easily be mistaken for an extra from Battlefield Earth. Yeah. I went there.

But every now and then, a prime example of this incomprehensible tolerance for stupidity occurs outside the realm of television, and is captured and put on the intertubes for all to see. Such is the story of young DH, whose story can be found here. Apparently, the little 4 year old was playing around the washing machine and decided to hop on in. He became stuck, and unable to free him his mother called the fire department who eventually used the jaws of life to cut him out of the washer. Happy ending, right? Well, no. See, I don't blame the kid, he was just doing what kids do best, which is be curious and get oneself into sticky situations. The mother is to blame, for her son becoming stuck is obviously the result of shoddy parenting and negligence. If she was spending a little more time with little DH and not so much with JD (yeah, you know what I'm talking about), she probably wouldn't have had to deal with having a washerbaby.

However, there's another guilty party here: the firemen. Yep. And if you read the story, you'll understand. After they freed DH from the washer, they rewarded him with a tour of the firehouse and a ride on their fire engine. REWARDED. "Congratulations, son! People have spent thousands of years developing highly advanced mechanisms to trap various types of animals, but you, a creature capable of rational thought and logic, managed to become trapped in an implement designed only to remove grass stains. Kudos to you!" Bullshit. Sure, they were just being nice, and I think that it speaks volumes on their characters that they'd take enough of an interest in the kid to show him a good time after such a traumatic experience. But that doesn't change the fact that he never would have had the privilege of riding in a firetruck if he hadn't been stupid enough to get stuck in a washer. I got stuck in plenty of things when I was little, and all I got was grounded. For being stupid. And I still haven't gotten to ride on a firetruck. So unless this kid takes inspiration from this traumatic event and goes on to invent a washer that cleans clothes and spits out stuck children, I'm sticking by my guns and maintaining that he's a lucky jerk.

Two things that suck (and a third that's kind of ok)

1) People asking you for money. There was a time in my life that I gave out change to just about anyone that asked for it. Even if it didn't look like they needed it, I still felt compelled to help them out, because, be it due to naivete, gullibility, or stupidity, I believed that they wouldn't be asking for money unless they really needed it. I mean, there's a certain element of pride that comes into play, right? Time was that a man would sooner fall on his own sword than be dishonored by begging. Now, I don't necessarily condone suicide upon financial misfortune, but when it comes to myself, I would have to be in a really desperate place before I would ask for anything, be it from family or stranger.

Regardless, several years spent living in Baltimore has cured me of the compulsion to give money to everyone that asks for it. Granted, there have been several occasions where I have given a couple bucks to someone who obviously needed it (or they were just exceptionally good actors), and most of the rest I just turn away with a "Sorry." (And I should mention here that this really pisses me off, too. Why do I feel compelled to apologize? What social norm dictates that I should feel guilty about not giving up my hard earned money to someone simply because they asked for it?) Anyway, I've gotten over my urge to give money away, and so most of the time I deal with the constant questioning (seriously, it's constant...at least 4 or 5 times a day) and just dismiss it as an unavoidable accompaniment to life in a ridiculously poor city. But every now and then I encounter someone asking for change that is just so brazenly and callously bold that it literally makes me hyperventilate, and the man who approached me last night currently holds the title for the worst one yet. I was pumping gas (11:30pm in Baltimore, so I'm super-wary of anyone approaching me, especially at a gas station) as this man saunters over to me and says "Yo, my man, you gots any change?" Now, seeing as how I have an intense aversion to being stabbed, I went with my standard "Sorry, man. All out." He shrugs, and walks away. Realizing that I'm not going to be mugged, my blood begins to boil, for reasons outlined here: He was wearing designer sneakers, designer jeans, a leather jacket, and a perfectly clean white flat-brim Yankees cap. And he was tearing the wrapper off a fresh pack of cigarettes. Clearly this guy needed some change. As this fucktard was walking away, I found myself wanting to run after him and ask him how he slept at night, or how it feels to be completely devoid of purpose and have no aspiration in life other than being the biggest fucking douchebag possible. But again, seeing as how I like not being stabbed, I let him go. But every day I spend in this city I find myself inching closer to that holy grail of public freakouts, "Yes, I do have some change. I have plenty of change. And you're not getting any of it. So you can probably just go fuck yourself." And I think the next guy that pulls something like this might be the winner.

2) Email forwards. Seriously? Do you really think I need to see the dudes with 8 billion piercings? Is it imperative that I'm aware of every cute thing that a kitten can do with a ribbon and a basket? Will my life be only half-lived if I don't witness your friend's lame band on a shitty youtube video? And moreover, what could possibly be going on in your head that you think you should send this shit to people you work with? Will they think you're cool? "Wow! Thank you so much, XXXXX, for that awesome slide show of freak show tattoos that you sent me at lunch. I especially appreciated the fact that it was labeled as a generic PowerPoint presentation, so I could open it up during a work meeting! All of my coworkers and their customers got a huge kick out of that guy with the ejaculating penis tattooed on his arm. You stupid cock." Let it be known that unless express permission is obtained prior to the actual event, any unsolicited email forwarding to me will result in instant termination of our association, as well as a specially trained pack of ass-rape dogs being dispatched to your place of residence post-haste.

3) Gas is mad expensive. It cost me $56 to fill up last night, which kind of blows. But, personal finances aside, I'm actually pretty happy about the increasing cost of transportation. Hopefully it will finally motivate people (both the private sector and the goddamn government) to begin some serious research into alternative and sustainable sources of energy. This research has largely been stymied by an abundance of cheap oil, and now that the price is going up, maybe people will realize that alternatives are desperately needed. And don't go spouting that shit about how 'ethanol is the future' and blah blah bullshit. Ethanol is a copout and a weak attempt at sustainability, nothing more. And if you think otherwise, you're an idiot.

While I don't expect that major change will begin to take place until gas hits $4/gallon (which it's looking like it might do this summer!), I still think this is the start of a good trend. Plus, it comes with the added bonus of getting to watch all those small-dicked, inconsiderate, overcompensating, turdjockeys who roll around in Hummers and Escalades having to sell their whips to buy Civics. Ha!

UPDATE: Here is an interesting article about how much petroleum is actually required to produce the plastic bags and bottles our nation loves so well. Here's a hint: it's a lot. 17.6 million barrels per year a lot. Get a Sigg already.

UPDATE x2: A great article by Time magazine that discusses some of the unseen economic and ecological costs of biofuels, as well as the toll that biofuel production is taking on the Amazon. Long, but a very worthwhile read.

I don't think it's a double entendre...

Last night as I was driving home from work, I happened to end up behind a tractor trailer with what I can only assume was it's corporate name / logo emblazoned upon the back of the trailer. The name was Semi-Express. I immediately laughed to myself, because it seems like that's not the name I would choose for my trucking company if my goal was to win customers based on the expedience of my deliveries. Granted, perhaps the person or committee who chose the name did so because of their use of tractor trailers (known in the biz as 'semi trailers') to make their deliveries, but I prefer to think that they were subtly hinting at their rather lax stance on speed as an important factor in delivering goods.

The Science Fair Projects You Wish You Had Done...

Whew. Definitely almost peed myself as I read through these. Most are so-so, but there are a few winners tucked away in there. It's hard to say for certain, as I'm not a teacher and am fairly certain that I could never be one, but I'm not sure that I would be very enthusiastic about two of my students preparing a presentation titled "Crystal Meth: Friend or Foe." Granted, I would probably be glad that they were at least trying something original rather than rehashing the old baking soda volcano for the billionth time, but I'm not so sure that I would really want to encourage two 13 year old girls to be conducting meth research. Of course, it looks like the two of them may have been basing their project on some past experience anyway, so maybe it's a moot point.

Next we come to Mr. "Drop It Like It's Hot," whose project I can only assume has something to do with human response to painful stimuli (the nociceptive system, in case you were wondering). He appears to have something on a plate, which perhaps was heated at some point. Pizza? Pasta? Horribly executed taco? Regardless, pathetic as it is, it's always good to include a prop of some sort. But more important than that, even, is the rule that our friend here is following to a tee: Keep It Real, Dogg. Can't you just picture this kid completely owning the hallways at his school? Swanky red blazer, closely-cropped fro, laid-back chillaxin' expression, and best of all, the slightly cocked thumbs up that just screams "Bitch, please." Love it.

A brief but necessary nod goes to the two fellows whose cunning wit had me in stitches. When I first read their presentation title, I saw "Global Warming." "Hmm," I thought to myself, "this should be interesting." But no sooner had this thought escaped my brain then I encountered a subheading that read "Yeah Right!" Boom! They got me! I was all "Global warming is real," but then they were all "No, it's not!" Oh, mercy. My comeuppance is complete. Fortunately, I can take solace that within a few years, these two comedic geniuses will have evolved into full-fledged club rats like these jokers here:
There are some other winners interspersed, particularly the sweater on the kid dropping "The Code of the Meniscus" and the best band name ever, "The Ideal Pancreas." Check 'em out.

41 Hilarious Science Fair Experiements

Suspicion Confirmed

I am a terrible blogger, just as my mother told me I would be. Self-fulfilling prophecy? Regardless, I'm trying to do better. Even though I haven't written in 2 months, I've been gathering material, so hopefully there will be a slew of fresh nonsense decorating the bucket in the coming days. Until then, I leave you with the piece of magnificence below:



Keywords: Dope, Funky Fresh, Flossin'

Is there a statute of limitations on rape?

I was chatting with my good friend Culturehustle the other day when he brought to my attention to the article copied below. Read, and be amazed:

Police say woman raped 200 times in 13 months

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

The Associated Press

BELLEFONTE, Pa. -- State police say a Centre County man sneaked into a woman's house and raped her nearly 200 times over a 13-month period.

That has led to more than 1,100 charges including multiple counts of rape, burglary, sexual assault, aggravated indecent assault, criminal trespass and terroristic threats against 29-year-old Roy Chamberlin.

Police say the woman was too terrified to call police or tell her husband.

Mr. Chamberlin is already in the Centre County prison awaiting trial on an unrelated count of attempted murder.

Copyright 2007 Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.

Now, it should be known that I consider rape to be one of the most vile, horrible crimes possible, and that anyone responsible for perpetrating such a blatant and cruel violation of another person should be castrated in the most painful way possible and / or dumped into some sort of bear pit. That being said, does the above man really deserve over 1,100 criminal charges? There is no question in my mind that he could have raped this woman 1, 5, 10, or even 20 times. Fear is a very powerful motivator, and I have no problem believing that this woman would have been afraid to go to her husband or the police, despite feeling completely violated and powerless. But 200 times? I'm not sure that I buy into her fear being so overpowering that she was unable to tell ANYONE for over 13 months. Furthermore, wouldn't you think that at some point after, I don't know, maybe 100 "successful" rapes, the man would no longer bother to "sneak into the house?" I mean really, I would think that after 8 or so months, the rapist would probably have reached a state of complacency about the whole situation and would no longer feel it necessary to sneak around.

I don't mean to sound insensitive, but the whole situation seems questionable. It certainly is possible, I guess, that this woman was so paralyzed with fear that she was unable to take action for over a year, despite the torture that she was surely enduring. But maybe this is just her way of covering for and making a blame-free escape from a torrid affair that she knew would come to light eventually. Because seriously, 200 times? Yeeesh.

Who wants a moustache ride?

My perv stash is coming along swimmingly. I've already gotten several comments on how creepy it looks, and I'm generally pleased with the level of sketchiness that seems present wherever I go. In another week or two I might even go and buy a Ford Econoline panel van. Kind of like this one.

Hot Cuppa Death

I just found out I have been advised to discontinue use of the company-issued mug that I've been slurping from on a daily basis for the last month or so. The reason? It "may contain trace amounts of lead and cadmium." Awesome.

Okey dokey, Dr. Jones. Hold on to your potatoes!

As some of you may know, I have a raging hardon great appreciation for all things Indiana Jones. And as some of you may also know, Lego has released a series of special Indiana Jones edition playsets to commemorate the most recent (and final) installment of the former trilogy, "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull." Several of the sets are pictured here.

Capitalizing on this brilliant piece of marketing, a member of Lego fansite Brickshelf has assembled a series of scenes from the first two movies (Raiders of the Lost Ark and Temple of Doom, for those not in the know), and they are straight dope. I was a Lego fan when I was younger, and I loved the ability to build just about anything with a bag of seemingly incongruous pieces. But these sets really take it to another level, and the level of detail present in some of these scenes is outstanding. Note, for example, the scars on the face of the big bald Nazi that eventually gets chopped up by the Nazi flying wing in Raiders, or the LAO CHE on the airplane door from the opening escape sequence in Temple. My hat is off to you, sir.

Full galleries here:

Raiders of the Lost Ark

Temple of Doom

It's Old News, But I'm Still Pissed

Seriously, Amazon? wtf?

I also have a "wireless reading device." It's called a book, and its controls aren't subpar, its wireless network doesn't get wonky in the Midwest, and it can even be in color sometimes. This, coupled with the most recent phone offering from VTech (now you can text message from your home land-line phone! omglolz!!1!), seem to represent a frightening current trend in technology, namely retarded products. Stupid ideas that come to fruition simply because we have the ability to build them, not because we have a need to. A solution looking for a problem, as it were. If you buy either of these pieces of useless technology, you're officially an idiot. A dumb idiot.

You want the moustache on or off?

Too bad.

I've been noticing a trend among blogs lately where people have been documenting an ongoing experience in their lives. Usually the topic is something related to personal improvement, such as losing weight or building muscle, and consequently the outcome is usually failure. Let's face it, how many people actually have the fortitude to stick with their resolutions of self-improvement? Answer: very few. But in an effort to increase my readership (I'm shooting for 2!) I decided that I should attempt such a feat, if for no other reason than to encourage regular posting on here, since I've been absent pretty much from the start. However, in keeping with my less-than-conventional nature (read: I think I'm better than you), I've decided to go the opposite direction from the crowd and go with self-disimprovement. What does that mean? You probably guessed it already. I'm growing a perv stash.

Unfortunately, I made this decision about a week ago, and I've been too busy to do an initial post, so I've got no baseline photo. I do, however, have one that I just took a few minutes ago, and I've gotta say that the lighting, the flash, and that bit of dirt on my upper lip all combine to make me appear quite the skeezy zombie. Have a look:


And for those of you who don't recall my previous attempts at facial hair, here's a primer:



Needless to say, horrible, hideous facial hair permutations are sure to follow. I'll be sure to keep my fans updated.

Also, you may have noticed that I'm no longer using music-related titles. You're right! The novelty of the idea wore off after only 4 posts. Who would have thought?

Also, what has 2 thumbs and is done applying to law school?

This guy.